Red vs Blue vs Gold?
by TGtornadoe
Summary: This story takes place after season 10 of Red vs. Blue. This story is rated M for language.
1. Chapter 1

Red vs. Blue vs. Gold?

"F#ck you Simmons" Grif yelled for a reason I'll now explain with Simmons's response.

"I'm telling you Grif Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter"

"Then why did they make a movie about him fighting vampires"

"That movie came out hundreds of years ago and it's plot and premise were very unrealistic"

"Simmons movies are like the internet they can't put anything in them that isn't true"

"Is that why you're always yelling at apes because they apparently blew up the world"

"Well you can't prove it's not true because we're not on earth and we haven't seen earth for more than a decade"

Sarge then entered in on the conversation "Don't remind me dirt gags... see what I did their you're not dirt bags your dirt gags... you know gags made with dirt... because I'm gagging on your crappy-ness "

"Sarge shut up!" Grif yelled. Sarge stared at Grif until the soldier sighed "Sorry shut up sir"

"That's still not satisfactory Grif. Drop and give me twenty... bucks"

Simmons then interrupted the two's argument "Sarge although your argument is very well planned and you're obviously winning I however must request that you allow me to finish my conversation with Grif so I can explain to him that John Wilkes Booth wasn't a gay vampire that was plotting to one day suck the blood out of JFK"

"What a complete idiot" Said Sarge

Simmons agreed "Took the words right out of my mouth sir"

"Well first you'd have to get your face out of Sarges ass"

Donut then popped then popped his head out of the base and asked "What's going on out here"

Grif then took a look at all of his teammates and said "You know what F#ck all you guys, I'm out of here"

Grif then began to slowly walk away from red base.

Sarge then yelled at Grif "Good riddance ya big yellow turd"

Grif then stopped, turned around and yelled "I... am... Orange you jack ass"

Grif then resumed walking away.

Simmons then turned to Sarge and asked "Uh... Sir what just happened?"

"Grif has taken a momentary leave of stupidity. He's gone to try and empty out his current supply of stupidness to come up with new ways to annoy us and make us want to kill him... well maybe the killing thing is just me"

The three then heard an engine start and Donut yelled "Hey Grif come back my lotions and hand creams are in there!"

"Sir did Grif just steal our warthog?" Simmons asked.

"I thought we agreed we were going to call it the sarge-mobile"

Simmons then let out an angry sigh as the warthog engine faded away into the distance.

As Grif drove by blue base he saw Caboose waving to him and yelling "Gruf could you pick me up some kittens from the pet store"

Tucker and Washington were currently arguing about who deserved to be leader of the blue team. Tucker argued that he had more experience and that Church would have wanted it that way. Washington countered that simply by saying I'm a Freelancer.

Grif drove around the canyon and over and over again he drove past the same two bases and eventually realized that he couldn't get out of the boxed canyon. After another round near blue base Grif suddenly hit a rather large ditch that stopped his vehicle in it's tracks. Grif groaned knowing this would mean having to put the effort into faking to help Simmons get the warthog unstuck while also having to listen to a lecture from Sarge that would probably involve him being called a moron thousands of times.

Grif then got out and investigated. He soon discovered that it wasn't a ditch it was a tunnel. Grif thought about going to investigate but the effort of thinking about it caused him to fall asleep (you can't blame him he did have a pretty taxing day).

While Grif was sleeping a group of mysterious gold armoured soldiers came out of the hole Grif had crashed into. The soldiers muttered to themselves and then attempted to carry Grif away, after a few failed attempts they decided it would be easier to just push the warthog through the hole

Off in red base Donut suddenly felt like he was missing something he could make awkward.

2 days later...

Sarge and Simmons are standing on top of red base.

Simmons asks "Hey you ever wonder why we're still here?"

Sarge replied "No. I try not to think about such stupid things. I do however think about what mixture of lube and polish will get my vehicles to that certain glow that they don't blind with greatness but don't sicken with crappiness"

Simmons then sighed and said "This works so much better with Grif. Most of the time he just ignores me and pretends to listen to my questions. I miss the old days"

"I'm not listening to you either. But I am getting a little concerned over where Grifs gone"

"Why I thought you hated him?" Simmons asked.

"Don't be stupid Simmons I'm worried about my car. Grifs been gone for two days. He's probably ran out of gas, walked ten feet and then collapsed from exhaustion"

"I don't think so"

"Alright he'd only get five feet away. I was just trying to be nice you jack ass"

"No I mean Grifs not just hiding outside the base and even when he did we'd always catch him sneaking in and raiding the fridge"

Donut then walked up on top of the base and asked "We have a fridge?"

Sarge then replied "Yeah but it only makes heat"

"Sir that's the oven" Simmons corrected.

"Oh... no wonder my ice cream always melts"

Donut then said delightedly "This is great! Now I finally have a place to chill my underwear on those really hot days"

"Oh God" Simmons exclaimed in disgust.

Donut then agreed "You're right... Those hot days are every day"

Sarge then said "Well boys I guess we better go try and find the Sarge-Mobile"

Simmons then added "and Grif"

Sarge then yelled "Don't point out the cons of the mission Simmons"

Donut then said "I'll go ask the blues if they've seen Grif"

"Don't forget to ask about the car" Sarge yelled as Donut skipped away. "But if you accidentally find the car and run over Grif then I won't ask any questions except where you dumped the body... so I can dance on it"

To Be Continued


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 (big surprise)

Donut hums a happy tune while skipping over to Blue base. Donut had not gotten a chance to talk to the blues since they all moved back to Blood Gulch. Donut stopped suddenly and looked at the entrance of Blue base where he saw Caboose waving to him.

"Hello Mr. Sprinkles! How have you been?" Coboose yelled.

Donut continued to approach the base and responded "Oh I'm fine Caboose how are you" Donut was now an average talking distance from Caboose.

"OH I'M FINE CUPCAKE MAN! HOW ARE YOU... Oh wait I already asked that".

Tucker then exited Blue base and said "Wow Caboose picked up on that one pretty quick. Usually it takes a couple of hours to get him to talk at a not stupidly loud volume, I guess those subliminal tapes payed off"

"Yeah that happens to Sarge a lot" Said Donut. "But he never stops until someone punches Grif in the face"

Washington then also exited Blue Base and asked "What's going on out here?"

Caboose then responded "Oh we're just talking about how much we're best friends"

"Caboose what did I tell you about people asking questions?" Asked Tucker.

"Never talk until everyone else has stopped talking... and stopped paying attention... or left the room" Said Caboose.

Washington then asked Donut "So why are you here you dirty Red... I mean Donut"

Tucker then asked "Dude what the heck was that?"

"I don't know I think I'm starting to get into this whole Red vs. Blue thing" Explained Washington.

Donut then interrupted the two "Look can I just tell you guys why I'm here"

"I will allow a comment from senator Cinnabon" Said Caboose.

"Thank you chairman Caboose. I'm here because Grif has disappeared and me and Simmons were worried about him and we wondered if you guys had seen him"

Caboose then said "I saw him... He was going to get me some kittens from the store"

"Shut up Caboose!" Tucker said with frustration.

"Calm down Tucker. None of us have seen Grif Red(stutters) I mean Donut. But we'll keep an eye out for him" Said Washington.

Donut then said "Okay then I guess I'll head back to red base. See ya later guys"

Donut then proceeded to skip back to red base.

Caboose then said "But I tell you I saw Gruf drive by just a little while ago"

"No you didn't Caboose. Now make yourself useful and go look for the big yellow idiot" Said Tucker.

Tucker then walked back inside the base. Washington then said to Caboose "Hey Caboose what say you and me go look for that Red together"

"Okay" Caboose sadly replied.

Donut then arrived back at Red base to find Sarge standing on top of the base.

Donut yelled up to Sarge "Hey Sarge what are you doing up there?"

Sarge looked down to see Donut and replied "Oh... Uh I'm just keeping a look out for Grif"

"Sarge did you give up"

"Nope... Never started trying"

"Sarge how could you"

"Simple I just stand here close my eyes and yell Grif go away"

"Well have you seen Simmons"

"Nope"

"You know speaking of people missing where's Lopez. Didn't we bring him back from Valhalla"

"Nope and that was probably Grifs fault which emphasizes my justification for not giving a crap about where he is"

"and the purple guy that saved me isn't here either"

"That's probably for the best. Wait scratch that definitely for the best"

Simmons then began to approach the base at a slightly hurried pace.

"Hey guys I found something" Simmons called.

"What's that Simmons you found Grifs dead body" Said Sarge.

"No sir" Simmons replied.

"D'oh Simmons I told you if you found a clue to where Grif is just keep it to yourself"

"But I found the warthog. But Grif wasn't in it and he had crashed it into a hole"

"Well I think it's obvious that Grif crashed the wart hog and then starved to death"

Donut then said "But sir Grif has only been gone for a few hours... also what do you mean a hole?"

Sarge then explained "Well then Grif more than likely was picked to pieces by ravenous super vultures and if we go to find him we will also meet our vultury demise" Said Sarge.

"I mean seriously how could their possibly be a hole in the canyon that I don't know about" Said Donut.

"Well it's there and the warthogs there but Grif isn't there" Said Simmons.

"Well I want to go check out that hole" Said Donut.

"No Donut I think you better just stay here. There's plenty of holes for you to check out here at the base" Said Sarge.

"But I've already seen all the holes here" Said Donut.

Simmons attempted not to think about what was being said although he knew that wasn't what Donut meant.

Simmons then said "Well Donut I'm going to need you to help me get the warthog out of the hole"

Donut cheerily replied "Alright I'll go get my... wait what's the proper thing to take when your getting a vehicle unstuck"

Sarge then asked "You mean you've never gotten stuck in a hole?"

Donut replied "Well I've hit a ditch before but I've always been able to back right out of it"

Simmons then groaned and said "Oh I'll go by myself"

Simmons then began to walk back to the warthog.

Donut then ran after Simmons yelling "Wait Simmons you'll need me for moral support while you're getting out of the hole"

Sarge then watched the two move away. He then went back to his previous task. Closing his eyes and yelling Grif go away.

Meanwhile somewhere, in the galaxy (really narrows it down huh). Grif lays in a dark room sleeping while being watched by several soldiers wearing dull and scratched gold armour. One of the soldiers pokes Grifs helmet.

Grif then rolls over and mumbles "Sarge I don't want to do anything today... or tomorrow or any day"

The soldiers muttered to themselves and one of them then poked Grifs foot. Grif then kicked the soldier in the face and still didn't wake up. The soldiers then chuckled at the soldier that had been kicked but fell silent when another soldier wearing much shinier armour and a scout helmet walked up to the sleeping Grif.

A female voice then blurted out from the shiny gold soldier "Hey!" Grif still didn't wake up. "Hey you gold guy wake up!"

Grif still didn't wake up. The shiny soldier then punched Grif in the face.

Grif woke up and exclaimed "Ow! What the heck did you... punch me... for?"

Grif then looked around at the soldiers who were huddled around him. Grif then fainted (no not because he was in shock he was just still tired).

One of the soldiers then asked "Is he the one we search for prophet?"

A small purple man wearing a robe was then projected off of the shiny soldiers armour.

The entity then proclaimed in a manner similar to an extremely passionate priest "Yes the gold lord has finally been found. Hallelujah!"

(I know what you're thinking "What the heck! Is that an A.I? Is that a freelancer?" well you'll need to wait until the next chapter to get a little closer to finding out)

To Be Continued


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

(three's a charm and all that crap)

Simmons and Donut arrive at the stuck warthog to find Washington and Caboose standing beside the vehicle.

Washington calls to the reds "Hey Guys we find your vehicle"

Caboose then said to Washington "No agent Washington I found it"

Washington rejected this while still trying to be nice "Uh not really Caboose. You stopped to go... relieve yourself"

"You mean pee. I had to pee so I went to go pee"

"Caboose please try to use appropriate terms, I mean we are in the... pretend military"

"But I had to pee so I peed I don't see the point of dancing around the fact that I peed. I'm sure you pee sometimes Mr. Washington and I think you should take pride in your pee"

Washington and Caboose then realized that Simmons and Donut had been listening to their conversation.

Donut then asked "Uh... Why are you guys talking about pee"

Washington then began to stammer "I uh...um...he...well." Washington sighs "Okay I'm just going to be honest. I didn't want the image of Caboose ...urinating to get in my head... Damn it's in there!... Oh it's disgusting"

Simmons then screamed "No! It's in my head to! I can't get it out!"

Donut then said "I think you guys are acting a little gay. You know thinking about guys peeing is just a little... gay yeah gay is the right term in this situation"

The four then all took a moment to stop and think (except caboose) about the fact that Donut was the one who pointed out that the conversation was odd.

Simmons then broke the silence "Um... Did you guys see Grif anywere around here. He wouldn't have been able to get very far away from the Warthog before passing out and smashing his skull on a rock"

"Why do you think he would hit a rock?" Asked Donut"

"Well some people have a little thing called a humorous fantasy Donut"

"I think it's weird that your fantasizing about Grif"

"I'm fantasizing about him getting hurt and maybe even dying. That does not imply positive feelings for the subject of the fantasy"

Washington then said "How did we get on this topic"

"I don't even know" Said Simmons"

Washington sighed and continued "No we didn't see Grif, we looked in the usual ten foot radius but we found nothing... except for this armour polish"

"Let me take a look at that" Said Donut.

Washington then handed Donut the polish. Donut inspected the can of half used polish.

"Urekalale!" Donut proclaimed.

"What is it Mr. McMuffun?" Caboose asked.

Donut then explained his discovery "This polish is a special brand that is especially designed to get maximum shine out of Gold armour"

"So Grif was taken by a... Gold armoured person?" Simmons asked.

Caboose then raised his hand and said "Oh I know the answer to the question... do I have to say in the form of a question"

"Yes you do Caboose because this is a 500 hundred year old game show" Simmons said sarcastically.

"What is Grif kidnapping himself?" Caboose asked.

Donut then said "Who'd of thought that Alec Trebeck would end up going crazy and marrying a goat and then cheating on the goat with some slutty sheep"

"Caboose I don't think that's what happened" Said Washington.

"How do you know that... are you one of them. Oh my goodness he's gonna tell everyone in Gold city about our plans to make a super kitten cannon that could cutify the whole entire farm!"

"OKAY!" Simmons yelled. "Let's all just start this over again. Me and Donut are gonna walk away and then come back and this time we're not going to let Caboose or Donut talk"

Simmons and Donut then walked away and after a moment or two returned.

Simmons then asked "Hey guys did you find anything?"

Washington then replied "Yes Simmons and Donut we found the warthog and this can of gold armour polish suggesting that Grif was abducted by someone or a group of people wearing gold armour"

"See now was that so hard?" Simmons asked.

"I thought it was hard" Said Caboose.

"Well do we know anyone who would be in Gold armour?" Asked Simmons.

Washington then said "Well I remember back in project Freelancer their was one girl who always... Nah it couldn't be her"

Off where Grif was being held. Grif is sleeping as the Gold armoured female watches him.

Grif slowly begins to wake up and is startled to see the person watching him.

Grif asks with fear in his voice "Uh where am I? Who are you? When's breakfast?"

The Gold armoured female groaned and grabbed Grif by the arm. She dragged Grif out of the room and through several stone hallways with Grif complaining every step of the way.

They eventually reached the outside of the structure. Grif covered his visor with his hands as the blazing sun shined down on him. Grif looked around, he saw that he was in a vast desert. Grif looked back for a moment to see the structure he was in was actually a sort of spire reaching an incredible height.

The soldier continued to drag Grif down from the structure to a small camp. Several other gold soldiers

watched Grif in awe as he is continuously dragged. The soldiers dropped to their knees and bowed as Grif got closer.

The female soldier finally had enough with Grif and let him go she then continued to walk away.

Grif flopped on the ground and lied with his arms and legs limply stretched out. The other soldiers soon began to approach the now sleeping Grif. One poked Grif in the foot but he did not wake up. Another one grabbed his arm and moved it about. The soldier then placed Grifs hand on his crotch plate. The other soldiers snickered at the gag.

The female soldier returned now carrying a small holographic projector in her hand. She held up the device and a purple person wearing a white robe with gold edging then appeared from the projector.

The little person raised his arms and proclaimed "Finally! At long last our Gold Lord has arrived!" The glowing holographic person then looked down to see Grif sleeping. He then quietly said to the female soldier "Wake him up"

The female soldier kicked Grif. Grif slowly woke up and saw the hologram person and recognized it as an A.I like Church.

Grif then flopped on his back, groaned and said "Oh I thought we were done with you guys"

The female soldier then kicked Grif in the head.

"OW! What do you have against me sleeping you jack ass" Grif said angrily.

The holographic person then yelled "Gold One I am Zeta. You have been brought to us by the divine spirits of chance to guide us to salvation"

Grif simply reacted by saying "Uh... Okay"

Zeta then clapped his hands and spoke to the female soldier "Ida! Take our Lord to the grand temple. We shall show him the instrument of our liberation"

The female soldier (or Ida) then grabbed Grif by the arm and said "Come Lord"

"Um... Your saviour is tired... Carry me?"

Ida sighed but complied. She then hoisted Grif up and carried him over her shoulder.

A Gold soldier then carried Zeta's projector to the grand temple.

On the way to the temple Grif asked "So what's going on here? Some kind of boring secret cult?"

"Zeta only told me to take you to the temple he didn't say I had to talk to you" Ida said with frustration in her voice.

"Oh getting snippy with the Lord huh" Said Grif.

Ida chuckled and said "Trust me when I get snippy you'll know it by the lack of fingers you have"

Grif then worriedly whimpered for his safety, realizing he may be dealing with someone as mean as Tex was.

Ida then said in a calm tone "Oh don't be scared Lord I was just messing with ya. Just a little humour among the servants of peace and prosperity"

Grif felt a little calmer now but was still unsure what they meant about him being a Lord.

"Say is Ida short for something" Grif asked.

Ida hesitated to answer but eventually did "Idaho"

"What was that you da-ho" Grif said while trying to hold back his laughter.

Ida then said defensively "No it's I-daho. You know like the state of Idaho"

Grif then burst out laughing "I bet you pick up a lot of guys huh?"

"That's not funny" Ida said with a bit of sadness in her voice.

"Remind me never to let you meet that... that one blue guy what's his name. Clucker... no ... Ah who cares"

Ida had suddenly become silent.

Grif thought for a moment and realized that he must actually be dealing with a Freelancer that has feelings but more importantly realizing that she could probably snap him like a big buttery twig when ever she wanted.

"So... Peace and Prosperity huh? How does that work?" Grif asked.

Ida remained silent.

"Um... Look sorry about making fun of your... you know Freelancer name thingy" Said Grif.

Ida sighed and said "It's okay it happened a lot back in... Actually I'm not sure when it happened"

"So what's your real name?" Asked Grif.

Ida stopped for a moment and said "You know I can't remember"

Ida then continued walking.

"By the way what's a Freelancer?" Ida asked

To Be Continued


End file.
